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In A Way..its Like Gawd Doesn't Like Me Either....but Somehow-I Think I Am Wrong...


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#1 aisLinnZ

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Posted 18 December 2016 - 02:19 AM

..so many family deaths this 2016. 5? I lost count. My sis would have been #6, but has emerged from her cancer journey after 5 surgeries.... Doing ok so far. But oh.......

Suddenly within 3 wks my husband went from a bit of uncooridination in the right limbs of his body (leg, tummy, arm)....to them being barely moving. We are !?!

So, MRI of his brain and upper body asap, and neurologist within a few days-

How does a fella, who eats healthy, workout because he likes too, play golf....suddenly be half almost paralyzed? Dr speculates perhaps sm tumor in his brain pressing nerves affecting his right side.

So I am like, Infinite, really? I've been basically in mourning all yr, so many of family passing ...endured constant worry for months on end of my sis, so ill w/c (our daughters are close in age), another cousin in her 30's is suddenly having small strokes-what the???? Now my husb barely able to walk within hardly a month?

I can only feel there is a bigger picture ; and life is life~stuff happens(it just sort of all happened in not even a complete year- ) all I can do, is take everything at this point, a moment at a time, and if there are lessons to be learned-help me see that better.

Many thoughts to the post I saw about 'God' hating- I totally understand; it feels like that sometimes- but I know.......that's not it. Sometimes we have to ripped to shreds, and be willing to be mad, sad, afraid, confused-but there can't be a shadow, without a Light Source ~ and we grow, in ways we May not see in the midst of chaos ~
"..for those who believe, no words are necessary. For those who do not believe, no words are possible.."  (and that's ok!~)

#2 Vlawde

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Posted 18 December 2016 - 10:24 AM

Wow, you've had more than your share of bad stuff this year. I agree, life is life and stuff happens. Mostly things are balanced out, but sometimes we can get a run of incredibly good luck...or bad. Personally I'm not sure there is any grand plan, life is random for the most part, aside from the decisions and actions we make that can affect that.

    Here's hoping your husband's issues are nothing serious
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#3 MacCionoadha BeanSidhe

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Posted 18 December 2016 - 11:10 AM

To paraphrase the saying, God only allows situations, which we can endure. You'll see, you'll come out of this stronger, than you were before. I'm sending a prayer up, for you and your family.

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#4 moiraesfate

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Posted 18 December 2016 - 12:12 PM

aislinnz, I am so sorry to hear that. I can completely relate. I lost my two cousins, my uncle, and my cat in 1998. Almost lost my sister too since she was in the car with my cousins. She had to undergo major immediate surgery to make sure she didn't die. It was horrifying walking into the emergency room and she was covered in blood. The doctor said she'd probably never have children and she'd be lucky to walk with the intensity of the damage. But now she's had two children, and walks just fine without even a hint of limp. She also has a piece of plastic in her chest where they had to take a muscle to restore what she lost from the crash (a pole went through the back of the car, hit her first, bent at her pelvic bone and went through both of my cousins killing one instantly and the other of blood loss in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.

I don't believe in any form of deity. I've always found the very concept completely ridiculous. I do believe in people though. And people are the reason my sister survived. She knows she's loved, and she fought hard to stay with us. We owe everything to those doctors and nurses who saved her life. Plus my sister is a very good person and she's a wonderful mom. I've even known her to be involved with charities, and give her time helping out at schools and the like.

There are a bunch of possibilities that could have caused the issue with your husband, including that he had a stroke. It can happen at any age, even as a child.

More than that I'd like to share my story a bit. I was in a car accident in 2004. It broke both my tibia/fibia in half and broke the upper bones under my knee into pieces. I now have a rod, plate, and pins holding my left leg together. For a long time I thought I'd never walk again. But what was worse was the brain damage. I lost most of my memory of my childhood (I could still remember my family and where I lived and the like), my sense of smell and taste were severely disrupted. I had bleeding in my brain in the front and the back and a skull fracture in the back. I was hit crossing the street after work.

But you know what? It's been 12 years since then. I relearned how to walk and for the most part you can't tell that I was ever in an accident unless I'm having a really bad day (it does happen, just not often). About 6 months after it happened, I was outside a Burger King and noticed something surprising.... I could smell the burgers cooking. I cried. It was at least a couple more years before my sense of taste fully came back (I couldn't taste light tasting things like alfredo for a good 5 years). For the first 7 years, I was in pain almost all the time every single day. Then one day I was trying to climb into bed and felt this intense agonizing pain in my knee that had me crying. I almost ended up in the hospital but before 20 minutes had gone by, the pain let up, and suddenly I hardly ever feel pain anymore. Sometimes it can still be horrible. Most of the time, I feel normal. One day my husband and I were talking before bed and it was like a light switch turned on. Suddenly I was remembering things like the design on the kitchen floor from the house I lived in growing up. I cried because all those years I thought I lost suddenly came back in a rush.

So believe me I can relate. But let me tell you that there is always hope. It will be a fight, and you will mourn. But in the end, it will get better. Trust in yourself, your husband, your doctors, and don't give up. I'm living proof that it gets better. Even when you are scared out of your mind.

One more thing... I nearly died during that accident. I can tell you one thing that -I- know for sure... there is no god. So rely on yourself, be a good person because the world sucks if you're a bad one, be kind, be compassionate, and be strong. You CAN do this, and you will come out better on the other side.

#5 aisLinnZ

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Posted 19 December 2016 - 11:04 PM

Thank you all, for your replies and sharing so much!

Since I posted this-a family friend who has been a blessing and help to my mother in law, whose health is declined, and though she does live in a senior community in Louisiana, (we are in CA)..the friend-died! Gee...and my husband is still undiagnosed of his almost unresponsive right side of his body *;* .....so we keep calling and checking on his mom-yet he doesn't want to tell of the very fast onset of his 'condition' because his mom would probably have a heart attack of worry! This certainly has been a testing year.

Sounds weird to be excited for an MRI, but I realllly want to get an inckling of this thing my husb is going through, is. Its boggling my mind-our daughter had a college performance tonight (a large portion of her final before winter break)..and needed to hold my husb arm for his balance- as I had some yrs back being 'companion' for a woman in her 90's! Well- moment at a time.

I appreciate the sharing of experiences- makes my stuff seem minimal- Iam sorry of how much moirasfate you have experienced! Holy geez. Yes, you are proof of no giving in, to lifetimes worth of extreme trauma and experiences~

...and of others experiences too- life keeps us on our toes (or in bed w/blankets over our head not wanting to get up)-facing challenges. You all are strong souls (or humans, those who don't believe in a 'infinite intelligence' or god)....and very caring to reply to my rambles of my current 'stuff'~ I appreciate you all very much I and wanted you to know....because its getting a bit chaotic, not sure how often chances (well there is always 2am! If days keep being so unpredictable, as they have been) will happen for me to check in.

Wishing everyone the brightest holiday/winter/christmas time! xo ~aisLinnZ
"..for those who believe, no words are necessary. For those who do not believe, no words are possible.."  (and that's ok!~)

#6 Amethyst

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Posted 20 December 2016 - 07:00 AM

Ok, let's talk.

100% of the population dies.  Everyone of us on GS is going to die,  if we didn't there would be no GHOST study. :Picture 562:  How many millions of people lose a loved one every single day?  I googled it.  55.3 million people die per year; 151.600 die a day and 6,316 people die per hour....so that's a lot of people leaving the planet at any given time.  With the law of averages some of our relatives are going to fall into one of those categories.  We all die.  God doesn't discriminate and play eenie meenie minee moe and specifically pick your relative because He wants to punish a person.  Oh, I think i will take so-n-so's mom today because I hate them and want them to suffer.  When you read it it makes sense.

My mom died on New Years Eve when I was just 23.....I was mad.  Why did God take MY mom?   How could he?  But you know a lot of other people lost a loved one that day so even though I was angry with God it was all part of the big plan.  Other people lost their mom that day too.  It hurts to lose a loved one.

IF you are a Bible reader then you know that you already have an appointed time and hour when God calls you home.  It is predestined BEFORE you are born when you will return.

People come into this world with a purpose and a plan.  Sometimes when that is completed they are allowed to "return home' and cross over and go back from where they came from.....but only if you have a belief system would you agree with that statement.  Cat Stevens sang....."we only dance on this Earth a short while".  We come into this lfetime and then return.  What we do with that time is up to us.  Some of believe we come back time and time again and that when we pass we see our departed loved ones in Heaven again.  That's a blessing, not a punishment.

God also gives people free will and let's face it....s**t happens.

I have 2 sons; one is a recovering heroin addict of 14 years of drug abuse.  The other is an alcoholic.  I had 3 brothers, they had a total of 9 kids.  ALL their kids turned out great.  BOTH of my sons have addiction problems.  Do you think I didn't sit there and have a conversation with God and say.....REALLY???  WTH ?
When my son was really out there homeless and shooting up I would beg God to make him stop.  One day I got so angry I yelled at God and asked....what kind of god are you?  All you have to do is blink your eye or wave your hand and you could "cure" him and break his addiction.  I have begged you for YEARS.  Why won't you do something?????    You know what the answer in my head was?????   He's STILL alive; isn't he????    Whoa, yes he was after years and years of drug use.  How many junkies last 14 years without going to prison or OD???  

I have a friend whose son was in a car accident and brain dead.  She had to make the decision to pull the plug.  He was an organ donor.  She is now an advocate for organ donation big time.  She just met the man who received her son's heart and his family.  a tragedy was turned into a blessing.  She could have been bitter, but she chose to get out there and encourage others to donate.  Her son did not die in vain.  She turned his death into a mission to help others.  Was that the big picture of what she was to do in life even though he was her only child????  She could of wallowed in self pity but she did something positive.

A woman I know lost her only son to a heroin OD and she created what is now known as Casey's Law to get help for other addicts and works in addiction recovery daily.  

God gave my son free will and there wasn't a darn thing I could do to make him quit.  I thought God hated ME for giving me 2 addicted children, but you know what....what does not kill us makes us stronger.  I have never given up on my son.  I put him in jail twice and I have raised his daughter since she was 2 weeks old.  Good came out of it, even though mom was an addict too.  I have this beautiful child.  He is now on the vivitrol shot and working full time and doing good.  My other son relapses, but I never give up hope.

People do get sick.  Our bodies break down, we catch things, we are exposed to things.  God did not make us immune to never getting sick.  Why does a person who does ALL THE RIGHT THINGS get sick?  They just do.  No one is immune to everything.  My gallbladder ruptured when I was 19 and I was in the hospital 33 days.  I had a NDE and was only given a 5% chance at recovery, but it was not my time.

IF you believe in a higher power you just have to trust and believe HE knows best.  Why do horrible things happen to children?  Why do people murder each other?  Why is there so much violence and WHY is it ALLOWED to happen????  I wonder that sometimes too, but it is not foe ME to question but I would like a sensible answer.

Why did I have 3 miscarriages????   well, I know NOW....if I had 5 kids I would have pulled my hair out!!!!!

We all feel bad sometimes.  We can all feel deserted.  We can all question why did God do that to ME?   It's called life.  It's called choices.  It's called sometimes bad things happen to good people.  God doesn't single us out and punish us because a loved one died.

There are several members on this board who have suffered terrible tragedy and losses with multiple family members.

So try to go about your day, make the best of it, and know God is not singling you out to take a loved one from you.....it was their time.


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#7 MacCionoadha BeanSidhe

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Posted 20 December 2016 - 02:19 PM

Thank you for posting that Amethyst. Well said.

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#8 Amethyst

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Posted 20 December 2016 - 05:30 PM

Thank you, MacC


Ame
IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED THEN SKYDIVING IS NOT FOR YOU!

ADVICE, WHEN MOST NEEDED, IS LEAST HEEDED

Life is like a roll of toilet paper; the closer it gets to the end the quicker it goes!

"A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others" said the Wizard of Oz to the Tin Man.

#9 Mikaru

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Posted 21 December 2016 - 03:29 AM

Thank you Amethyst. Very wise words.



#10 MacCionoadha BeanSidhe

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Posted 21 December 2016 - 09:21 AM

My maternal Grandpa was crushed to death in a freak accident, my Dad, while in the hospital for a bypass operation, had a stroke on the way to the OR and was paralyzed on one side. A few days later, he died of a blood clot to the lungs, while still in the hospital. I've had Aunts, Uncles and a Nephew die of cancer or heart attacks. My Mom was one of seven, there's only three left, most died of the a fore mentioned problems. Same on my Dad's side, he was one of 6, They're all gone now due, also to the a fore mentioned conditions. My Brother has leukemia, my Sister and two Nieces have Lyme, one Niece has Lupus and another Niece had cancer, as well. Of the two Aunts left, both have had cancer. So, needless to say I know what you're going through.

Also, from what I've been through, there has to be a God and Angels. My Guardian Angel must be run ragged by now. I've fallen down stairs, smacking head first into a cement wall on the way down, at least 4 times(left dents in skull), fallen down the stairs at school(another dent), walked into umpteen lockers, cracked my head on a car door jam(left a permanent dent and headache), outside stairs(front and back), twice out of the same tree(concussed and dislocated my hip and walked around on it for a month). Basically, I've had 20 concussions and too many dents in my skull to count. I had a Clydesdale step on my foot and break it. I've been scalded, burned, cut with a knife and glass, almost lost an eye, have had cancer, have a heart condition.

Pretty much my life's been one big mess. Even though we've been through all of this and probably a lot more in the future, we still have faith. We believe God has a purpose for us. Don't get me wrong on more than one occasion,I've asked him, "WHY!" I always felt the reply, "I allow only, that which you can withstand." I've been fighting my whole life and at times I wish I hadn't been born, but I suck it up and trudge on. I look for God's little miracles, which make life worthwhile and concentrate on them.

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#11 aisLinnZ

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Posted 23 December 2016 - 11:23 AM

I appreciate everyone sharing so much <3 .....life is full isn't it? I have a long list myself....being unintensionally kidnapped by my really having a tough time w/drugs(as in, parents divorced but he wanted to visit when I was 3..take a walk..I didnt really know who he was, or understand his babbly confused talking)dad...got back hours later and police had filled gram&gramps st! Everyone crying....oof. My shin cut across the front(I limp) when I was 1 &1/2, molested from ages 5-12...brother hit by a drunk driver when he was 8...lost Gramp when I was 8..really more like a dad a heaven let me have the best gram&Gramp in the world a not rich,but huge hearts : )....on and on my list goes as well.

I wonder-how such a nervous person as I ........seemed 'dropped' into huge situations my body could barely handle; but its true! Made it this far!

We will do brain surgery on my husbands honkin brain tumor(got the FYI this am at the neurologist) asap- & take it from there. Its more a toughie on our kids; a giant switch in perspective that until we get the tumor out .... won't know exactly what to expect; happy that its out, but hoping will not be something more than the drs can tell just yet. A moment at a time!! Its a little tough a diagnosis(part of anyway)to be on the anniversary of my husbands dads death (rip 12/23/08)...but I think my Gram and Gramp and his dad were w/us in the nuero.s this morning xoxo..... helping us focus on so much info.

Gotta just keep faith, that strength is in me somewhere- and an Infinite Love will help me find it - and chug forward!

Many thanks for all your sharing of experiences; they mean much more to me than you know!! : ) xoxo aisLinnZ
"..for those who believe, no words are necessary. For those who do not believe, no words are possible.."  (and that's ok!~)

#12 MacCionoadha BeanSidhe

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Posted 23 December 2016 - 12:43 PM

We'll keep him in our thoughts and prayers.

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